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Emotions are not something that simply stir around in the brain; they invade every cell in the body and affect the immune system. However, they are ingenious in that they not only communicate our inner response to change, but equally important, eventually they provide many messages about how to deal with our current dilemma.

How we perceive a particular loss has a major impact on the emotions that surface. If we believe the loss of a loved one was inevitable, we grieve one way. If we believe the loss is unjustified, we grieve quite differently.

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You’ve cleaned out His armoire–maybe the garage, maybe the attic–maybe the glove box in His Camry parked idly in the driveway to the home you and he once-upon-a-time shared. His stuff is folded neatly in cardboard boxes scarfed from a local supermarket; maybe it’s clumped in black Hefty trash bags piled waist-deep, and line the entrance to a front door. As you choke back tears and wait for Goodwill, or The Salvation Army to pick up His belongings, you stare at your reflection in a full-length mirror attached to the back of His empty closet door, and ask the haunting question, how do I go on living without Him?

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Now that your relatives have gone back home and you are alone for the first time has the sense of being all alone engulfed you? Or, now that it has been several weeks since the death of your loved one, has the reality of his/her absence finally hit home? This horrendous feeling is not easy to dispel when first confronted.

Experts on loneliness tell us the key to dealing with it is a concerted effort at self-development and working on the quality of your inner life. This is especially difficult to do if your identity was completely enmeshed with the person who died.

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Has fear of the unknown frozen you so that you are hesitant to make much needed decisions? Or, has thinking about the future and how you are going to manage without your loved one brought great anxiety? Fear of the unknown is among the most common, and most difficult, grief-related issues to deal with.

Why is this so? Simply because uncertainty is an integral part of life that is ignored by most until it forces us to confront it. Then we have to take a stand when we are in an anxiety-filled frame of mind. The choice becomes: either learn to live one day at a time (perhaps one minute at a time) or allow the unknown to fill us with crippling fear and freeze us. So what can we do to deal with fear of the future, the unknown?

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Are you wondering if the pain will ever cease, if the emptiness will ever leave? Will life ever have meaning again? You may not think so now, but the answer to all three questions is an unqualified yes. And there are millions of people who can vouch for that fact.

But that does not mean you will be your old self once again. Nor does it imply that you will be somehow totally free from the anxiety of your loss experience. There are a constellation of variables that determine the intensity and the length of grief. They range from the type of death, number of secondary losses, and degree of emotional investment in the deceased to your coping behaviors, health, social support system, and expectations, to name just a few.

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